"I was born on a back porch and I have never once let anyone forget it. I am loud, cute, and dumb — in that order, and I stand by all three. When I want cuddles, I go under the coffee table, raise my hindquarters to the sky, and scream. I will not come to you. You will come to me. If you try to place me in your lap without prior arrangement, I will require a moment to remember that I like this. Pin me down. I will get there. My fur is a shade of gray that coordinates with everything. I look good in every color of bow tie. This is simply a fact. My proudest achievement: I retrieved a live baby bunny on Easter Sunday. The bunny went home. I considered this a successful operation."